The Crippling Fear of Making Comics
Well, we’ve sure set ourselves up for something big. The expectations are mounting. The saints of encouragement and well wishes are marching in. With each new fan, every new creator or local comic shop following us, the anxiety creeps in just a bit more.
My biggest fear with Band of Bards is not failing. Failure is a natural part of any process. No, my biggest fear is disappointing people. This is an early stage of the game for us but I already feel intense pressure to deliver on our promises. I feel the Sword of Damocles suspended over my head, hanging on a few worn braids of twine. Failing to follow through and deliver when so many people have already voiced support for our stated mission, when so many have lent their help in getting us to this meager benchmark, seeing the disappointment, deflation, and defeat haunts me already.
How’s that for Catholic guilt? Haven’t considered myself Catholic for 15 years, but that guilt is a horrible spectre to shake. It can be a great motivator at times. Mostly it’s just a crushing weight that makes you miserable.
In the back of my mind are visions of all this burning down spectacularly. Crash and burn, Mav. People who had high hopes of what we could bring to the comics world feeling disgusted and betrayed. Not being able to walk into my LCS without feeling like a fraud. No longer being able to interact with all the great people in the comics community that I’ve built ties (friendships?) with. Embarrassing myself with one more grand idea that exploded in my face, one more for the pile.
Self-doubt and anxiety are crippling spirits that are ever present in my mind. Sometimes they’re minor characters that can be kicked in the face. Sometimes they appear out of nowhere with a side quest for me that cannot be refused. And other times they just shut me down. My brain screams “POSER”, “FRAUD”, “LOSER WHO SHOULD KNOW HIS DAMN PLACE IN THE WORLD AND STAY IN IT.”
Ok, that last one was a bit too real. I’m betting a lot of you reading this (don’t kid yourself, Tim, nobody is going to read this) probably know what I’m talking about. It’s probably kept lots of great stories from seeing the light of day. If you’re reading this and thinking “damn, that hits home” well you got a friend in me (us).
I hope we can publish some comics that take a deep dive into mental health in the future. Lots of comics try it, some do it superficially for the sake of doing it, others take on the issue really well but then that series ends. Even worse is when a medium tries to tackle the Big MH and just adds fuel to the fire of bad tropes and damaging stereotypes. Flirts with cheap jokes and caricatures of something they remember from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.
Representation matters. If we pay attention we see it in every walk of life. We’re surrounded by noise and messages that skim the surface of issues while missing the point and skewing perceptions. Almost all of us are impacted by poor representation in pop media, some probably don’t even notice it because they know nothing different. The more we are able to address this problem, the more empathy that is fostered through these efforts, we just might start healing some of the divisions in society. More often than not bigotry is born in a bubble where someone never knows how the person they hate lives. If a comic can help someone walk a mile in another’s shoes, that would be a hell of a super power.
#ComicsDoingGood